There are many instances in my day in which I seek to contact the person I’m so [unfortunately] endeared to. Our preferred medium is of course the infamous text message and provides a simple and quick vessel to send a quick heart, a short enamored phrase, or an admiring lyric; just to show my affection, and even if to reaffirm my existence to her. Whereupon I have to put her name into the Address box, I quickly thumb “5” twice, as my muscle memory is wont to do. Therein lies the humor though, in that pressing 5 brings up the “J’s” contacts, and “K’s” thereafter. J-K—jk. In the vernacular of our generation’s texting vocabulary, “jk” means “just kidding,” or as if to say, “I’m simply joking.” Sure, it may seem a trivial coincidence but I get the impression the Fates seek to mock me in the endeavors of my overzealous heart.
I’ve been standing at this crossroads for longer than I’d care to remind myself. Every time I venture down what is seemingly the correct and clear path I’m assaulted with the callous facts. The truth is certainly not my ally in this uphill trudge; fantasy and hope are wearing thin. Now, I’m certainly aware that there have been many before me that have been more enamored than I, felt deeper, and been stronger and have had their connections severed just as easily; thereafter going on to find solace in another’s arms. Yet as I mature in every other way possible, it seems that my other aspects are only just now reaching the same ground that my ethereal heart has almost always occupied. This…ideal, this goal…isn’t just a phase or an infatuation to grow out of, it’s everything that I am and want to be. I’ll concede that I may be too far away from anything concrete to pursue the one thing that I truly want; but I live in constant fear that if I was to abandon this for that, I would only be met with such a denial: exceeding any such reaction I’d known before. I would truly have nothing at that juncture, and though I seek to deny it with every fiber of my being, maybe clinging to this fantasy for now is better than trying to act on the possibility of unrequited feelings. As unfortunate as it persists, living without a hope pertaining to these aspects will leave me less disappointed in their failure to reach fruition.
We should all hope though, hope is what keeps us alive and having the motivation to pursue what matters most, even if it is only significant unto ourselves. Hope is quite the gamble, if it pays off you experience joys greater than any you’d imagine otherwise, but the possibility of turning into a decrepit shell of a person can nearly exceed the potential payoffs and as such is an extremely hard bet. There’s no bluff or royal flush that can win this pot unfortunately; no poker face stoic enough to outlast, and no luck of the draw with odds high enough to be certain of a huge payout. Yet we’ll gamble still, because in all honesty, none of us are good poker players. We’ve never been much of gamblers, we journeymen of the heart. As Edison’s work with the light bulb resulted in seemingly failures, he persisted, “I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.” In the same spirit I believe that not giving up, and therein proving your determination is testament enough to achieve anything, even in the face of assured failure. I haven’t failed yet, I’ve just found 709 days worth of endeavors that haven’t worked yet.
